The Last Week of the (Regular) Season
what will happen???
The Last Week of the Season
We’ve teamed up with the people at Zagat to give you game previews during this crucial final regular season week. Yes, Zagat still exists. We do not dine or travel with them though. Their insightful user (huge NFL fans) feedback and comments will be incorporated along the way.
Jets at Patriots
Fans of both teams say this game is “meaningless” and “inspecting a random adult in Penn Station for pinworms” would be preferable to watching it. We say: look for Bill Belichick to hug troubled Jets QB Zach Wilson. A few times. Calls time out. Walks across field. Finds Wilson, who steps behind a few players to unsuccessfully get away from Belichick’s gaze. “I should have shown more human emotion during my career, Zach,” he’ll say. “I know you’ve been benched many times, but I could have used you this year.” For some reason Primus founder Les Claypool will be on the Patriots sideline, dressed exactly like nepo-beneficiary Steve Belichick and allowed to do anything he wants.
Eagles at Giants
Bradley Cooper is already playing Tommy DeVito’s former agent. Not for any official role. He’s just walking around acting like him. In NYC’s West Village, he goes into the deli often frequented by the late, great Ricky Powell and asks why they’re continually busting his balls. They do not know. They tell him they were unaware they were busting his balls. Zagat users point out that the Eagles have “hit the skids” and “that AJ Brown hates head coach Nick Sirianni” who has not spoken a word since losing to former Eagles staffer (and now Cardinal HC) Jonathan Gannon who “flies to all away games with a roller suitcase full of Tinker Toys.” The Giants will absorb the brunt of the Eagles recent misery.
Eagles 34 Giants 8
Chiefs at Chargers
Zagat users remark that Alana Haim’s journey between “starring in a Paul Thomas Anderson movie and sitting in a box during a regular season Chiefs loss wearing a retro Logo 7 jacket, serving as wingwoman for your BFF” is not so long. Kansas City is in the playoffs once again. No other team in their division played above .500 football. If the Raiders beat the Broncos, all the other teams in their division will be below .500. The Chiefs have been sputtering recently, dropping three of their last five games.
Texans at Colts
Stroud vs. Minshew sounds more like “a court case about a shut-in covered in empty SlimFast cans hoarding library books about elves” than a game that decides who makes the playoffs. Both teams need a win for a chance at a Wild Card. But Zagat users carefully point out that “in the NFL only one team can win each game.” What to do? Not watch, for starters. (Actually both teams have been pretty fun and surprising this season. Rooting for Texans here).
Browns at Bengals
Zagat users say Browns grandfatherly replacement QB (and Super Bowl champ) Joe Flacco has “almost as many kids as Philip Rivers” and that when he is between QB gigs he “must spend time making love to his wife.” The Browns have already locked up a playoff spot and the Bengals are eliminated. This game gives millions in Ohio the opportunity to pack up holiday decorations without FOMO.
Vikings at Lions
The Vikings have played somewhere between four and thirty-eight QBs this season, each one worse than the last. And they lost like four games they should have won. And yet, they’re still in it. On Sunday, they need to win to make the playoffs, but that’s not all. They’ll also need an industrial accident on a catastrophic scale to occur at both Lambeau Field and the Superdome, and for the Seahawks to either lose, forfeit, or for their plane to crash on the way to Arizona. Then, they will be a “true Wild Card team.”
Falcons at Saints
Hard to believe the Falcons are 7-9. They’ve played like a 4-12 team all year. Their HC looks as if he “travels with a suitcase, empty except for a pristine gimp mask” and “enjoys NOT playing his best players.” Saints QB Derek Carr “always blames his teammates for his own problems” and “might be wearing eyeliner” and “is impossible to cheer for” and a “beneficiary of overrating and overpaying mediocre white QBs” and “sucks.” I happen to LOVE the rest of the Saints though. I have always loved their receivers.
Steelers at Ravens
Raven FB Patrick Ricard caught a TD pass last week. The line earlier about his ass being the size of a wall is one of few bright spots in this “newsletter” this year. Hope you dug it. Zagat users say Steelers 8th string QB Mason Rudolph looks and acts more like a “teenager from a 1980s emo family movie about bedwetting than an athlete.” It will be impossible for the Steelers to get a Wild Card berth if they don’t win. Luckily, the Ravens will be sitting Lamar Jackson and feel zero competitive urge to knock the Steelers (whom they ADORE) out of post-season contention.
Ravens 28 Steelers 6
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Broncos at Raiders
Both teams have been eliminated from the post-season. Lots of people “stuck with tickets” will foist them on “people who don’t normally pay attention to football” and will not be converted into fans after watching this event. Broncos coach Sean Payton “doesn’t seem to enjoy coaching or being alive.” The Raiders have been re-energized by interim head coach Antonio Pierce. They will look to build on their 3-0 loss to the Vikings a few weeks ago.
Raiders 21 Broncos 10
Jaguars at Titans
The NY Times playoff forecaster seems to be broken. The Jaguars winning only helps their playoff chances. However:
Zagat users claim they’d rather “click on a banner ad for Anacin” than watch this game and QB Trevor Lawrence who “looks like the unfortunate result of a post-show hook-up by one of the members of Collective Soul or Hootie & The Blowfish” twenty-odd years ago. The Titans have a bit of a spark for next season with rookie QB Will Levis. Their throwback uniforms excuse any poor play.
Rams at 49ers
The Rams are in the playoffs. Somehow. The 49ers have no reason to try. But they will still win. This observation about Brock Purdy’s uniform choices comes via Uniwatch (couple other amazing tidbits about a dome over Lambeau Field, and what Broncos wore to a charity basketball game in the 70s).
Chicago at Green Bay
Both teams seemed cursed to start the year. Both have played surprisingly competent as of late. The Packers Wide Receiver corps are phenomenal. Super fun young team. Jordan Love looks like a 14 year-old who somehow joined the Navy and is now in charge of a nuclear sub, but it’s working.
Packers 24
Bears 17
Dallas at Washington
Commanders need a reboot.
Bills at Dolphins
The Bills need the Steelers to lose. I think. I can’t tell which weeks the Bills will win or lose. Same with the Dolphins.
See you soon.