Mid-Season NFL Grades by Al Pacino

After a short hiatus, we're back.

MID-SEASON NFL GRADES by all of Al Pacino’s characters from 1992. (As well as Sea of Love and Heat) as transcribed by Jeff Johnson and David Roth. 

With some characters from David Mamet productions making cameos. 

Arizona Cardinals

The solution was moving Dobbs. Joshua Dobbs. Back-up quarterback turned starter turned scapegoat, ‘cause the Cardinals brass decided to tank. If you ask me, it’s a bunch of Cardinal Cowards. The lot of them. They looked around and decided their players and fans deserved one more lost season. Private Dobbs worked his ass off to make the NFL — even Alopecia couldn’t stop the kid — and someone says, hey, let’s bench him, then trade his ass. 

Dobbs, for your information, was a proud Tennessee Volunteer. Of course, he was a volunteer. And he signed up for LATRINE DUTY in Phoenix — in the proverbial and literal desert, he performed with guts and panache, something your precious Cardinals GM knows nothing about. You saw the kid’s heart in Atlanta. Someone knew his worth. Christ on a bike. Christ could literally put a celestial derailleur on a ten-speed. And these fuckers. These Cardinals. Would say, “let’s walk instead.” Fuck them. F

Buffalo Bills

George Aranow: I don’t like the Bills, they’re too unpredictable. 

Dave Moss: Tough shit! They’re your team.

George Aranow: Why would they be my team? 

Dave Moss: Simple. Because I said so. 

Ricky Jay in House of Games: Why would you try to assign a team to this man? He doesn’t have enough problems, already, Chief? 

Al Pacino, whatever character you want him to be: The Bills are a mediocre team. Grown-ups can agree. The window has closed. Sorry, Josh Allen. It’s almost 2024, and Jim Kelly achieved more. Jim Kelly. Kelly Deal. Kim and Kelly Deal. The Breeders. No deal for the Bills, who are impotent. They’re not breeding winners up there on Lake Erie. Where is Don Beebe when you need him? I’ll be across the street.  C+ 

Jacksonville Jaguars

Al Pacino: You have to be a wizard to see the play here. Sight beyond sight. The water is very nearby, but it’s not the water you want. Urban couldn’t cut it, you say that’s Urban. It might very well be. It’s a poor craftsman, blames his tools, but what I am saying to you is that to sell them—to sell this—is not possible. What is wanting? What is wanting is that there is a football team where there should not be a football team. Begin with that. Then you can talk about Pederson and the goddamn visor. INC

New York Giants

Daniel Jones doesn’t want to play football, okay? The sooner we embrace that, the better. And now Chachi Arcola appears to be the new QB. Adrien Fucking Brody or some shit. See how that works? And Martindale on the sidelines with a chaw. How quaint. I’m tapping out. Bon Voyage. F

Miami Dolphins 

Do you trust the head guy? He is to me the teacher’s pet. Raising his hand and waving it around. “I have a scheme, I have a scheme for that.” There’s a lot of smart young kids, fresh and sharp young kids, that have schemes. There’s a lot of these. You see them come and go. They all have a scheme, too. The big new idea, right on schedule. Oh are you going to “get the ball to your playmakers in space?” As if it is new. As if this is the first smart young kid ever to put on glasses, to pick up a dry-erase marker. B

Pittsburgh Steelers

This is a college team, no? A business school from the 1930s? They have the equipment but not much talent. They take the field, to what end? Their fans cheer, to what end? They are like a minor league baseball team. I thought Kenny would be a guy from Jacksonville. A QB singing old Gary Stewart songs at a motel bar. C– 

Dallas Cowboys

Last time the Cowboys won a Super Bowl, the Ford Taurus was America’s most popular car. The most popular color of which was pigeon gray. Do you see any Tauruses on the road today? Not a trick question. Come to think of it, you never see a Taurus ambulance, do you? And you never will. You wanna know why? I haven’t got the energy to get into it right now. I’m too old and too blind. But not so blind to notice that Mike McCarthy looks like he was ashamed to be caught eating a burrito in the toilets at a mall. Why, Mike? We all have our urges and desires. Why fight it? 

You like to eat burritos in The Galleria shitter? Own it. 

You like to use all your timeouts in the 1st Quarter. Do it. 

You want to get the ball to CeeDee Lamb three yards short of the end zone. Live it.  B

Cameo by Ed Harris as an enraged Dave Moss: Mike McCarthy hasn’t got the balls god gave a mosquito. I’m leaving. 

Green Bay Packers 

Green Bay. Never thought Wisconsin would fall prey to some sustainability bullshit but apparently you got a bay there and it’s green. Congratulations. Fitting for a team of recycled losers. One more Cutty Sark, then I am getting on the phone to Harriet Nyborg. D+ 

Indianapolis Colts 

Vincent Hanna: I knew Michael Pittman’s daddy. He was a guy to know, this was probably must have been 15 years ago. Dark visor on his helmet. Everyone knew him, knew what he was about. A hard case, big muscles. I don’t think Indianapolis was in the plan, there. This isn’t where a guy like that wants to lay his head. Look around and it’s just one big Bob Evans. B- 

Philadelphia Eagles 

Your guys. Your fans. They eat horse shit when you win. This is the behavior of your guys in their moments of triumph. And you’re winning a lot these days. Someone should start selling bibs. Commemorative bibs. I’d buy one. So what’s the upside? What does it bring them? Joy? You’re telling me they get joy from eating horse apples? Then you got a sick town on your hands. But maybe there’s a creepy loyalty in that. You ever stop and look at a pile of shit? Any mammal feces? Do? You? Salivate? Admit it if you do. Dishonesty is a far worse sin. So is losing to the New York Jets. A- 

New York Jets 

Speaking of which. Steve fucking Serby. All Zach Wilson is doing now is winning football games and you’re on his ass. (Update: They suck.)  Ask the kid to take the reins and he does and he finds a way to win some games. You killjoy. You hack. You poseur. You look like the guy in a porno who is hired to stand there and watch. Standing in the corner making notes. Get off the kid’s back. You been doing this routine for 40 years, Steverino.  A and F

Carolina Panthers

I see the Panthers take the field in outfits that scream “Men’s Ibuprofen” packaging and what? They’re going to be memorable? They’re going to play memorable football? The citizens of Charlotte will look back fondly? No. Want to know why? If you ever sat in the stands in Charlotte, you’d know what the shot is. Rookie QB looks like a 9th grader out there. Swimming lessons and footie pajamas. Nobody’s coming to tuck him in at bedtime. F   

Atlanta Falcons

The shift to Heinicke portends miracles. Not the kind of miracles that save teams, unfortunately. How many bird teams are there anyway? What is this fascination with birds? What are we doing here anyway? To what end? 

Enraged Ed Harris: Put a helmet on a bird. Not gonna do shit! 

Steven Segal in a Chicago cop movie, unrelated: I played for the Falcons.  C-

Chicago Bears

Alec Baldwin character: The TSA. FBI. CIA should get on these losers. The Better fucking Business Bureau should take a closer look at these CHILDREN. And ask what the fuck? Virginia Halas was 106 years young when Teddy Roosevelt was in diapers. The Bears have cumulative 889 yards passing in the last 50 years. And that’s not going to cut it. 

Alec Baldwin, wielding steak knives: Bill Fucking Parcells could show up and not get these guys ready. Because they’re not football players. A jerk would give them an F, but they’re really entertaining to me. Like a dirigible on fire in the sky.

Dave Moss: Big words. Syllables. I’m going home. 

Alec Baldwin, near chalkboard: Leave and leave your Matt Suhey jersey on your desk Moss. Come to think of it, we all want to believe in the DII guy. We need him to be successful. The paterfamilias arm wrestling for free peanuts somewhere? Fine. Have at it. He’ll celebrate with your sister, while you are stuck somewhere on a sit with leads I wouldn’t give to my fucking dog. D+ 

Baltimore Ravens 

I cannot name a player on the Baltimore Ravens. I’m not just putting that out there. I know Lamar sure. I know Patrick Ricard. I love Patrick Ricard. He’s a boxy Delmonico’s waiter in 1928. An ass the size of a wall. He is a human DQ Blizzard. A 

Denver Broncos 

Big win over Kansas City. Think that’s going to cut it, Sean? Turn the tide? Maybe someone at Applebee’s will buy you a drink. People talk about the Donner Party. I, personally, would be more afraid of Bill Romanowski. Romo. Only now your Broncos aren’t scaring anyone. 

Narrated by Alec Baldwin, BTW 

It’s a long season. D 

Las Vegas Raiders

They fired Josh McDaniels because he liked to abuse his own ear with his visor. But no one will say this. D+ 

New England Patriots: Gronk doesn’t like how they celebrate. Sorry they did not consult you Gronk. They are losers now.  C-

Washington Commanders 

Carlito Voiceover: Guy like Howell, there’s no reasoning with him. Maybe he’s a good guy at home, maybe not. But on the field, passing down, he’s gonna turn back into who he is, who he was all along. And that’s a guy who loves to get sacked. Brave, sure. Smart, maybe sometimes. Strong arm, it don’t really matter. He’s gonna take that sack, because it’s what he does. A guy like Curtis Samuel, he might feel bad about it. But that’s because he doesn’t know that there’s nothing he can do. You can’t get open enough for a guy like Howell to stop being who he is.  C 

Los Angeles Rams: Haven’t seen a down this season. Gonna try to keep it that way. F 

Los Angeles Chargers: Could they merge these two teams? Probably get worse. D 

The rest of the teams are not worth bringing into this.