Pick one below. The IRL version has to “play” for their team as a “12th man.”
49er — I’m gonna be honest with you: the 49er’s pelvis has been broken for like 38 months. Clipped by an errant mining cart. No one with any medical skills down in the mine. Guys heaving him outta there as he howls, leaving all his gold behind. He sleeps on a cot. He’s never seen a wheel that wasn’t made out of wood. His belt is a rope. The softest fabric he owns is burlap. (He does have original Levis 501, tho) Couple fingers missing. He wakes up ready to fight. He’s suspicious of everything. Always hobblin’. His thirst for whiskey has put his mining business in the toilet. Which let’s face it… he also hasn’t shit solid since he was like 15. Sorry. He’s been breathing in mineral dust for years. He eats mostly cabbage. He’s never seen an orange. He’s tough, though. Tough as hell.
Raven — The Raven is “nature’s HR person.” The Raven can remember 1000 faces. The Raven will remember your face and has cataloged your worst moments, maybe even before they happen. The Raven can sense how bad you suck, instantly. It knows your dreams. It knows what your dreams mean. And it thinks they suck, too. When people say be kind to birds, they’re not nature lovers, they’re trying to protect you.
A Raven can understand Mandarin Chinese and translate it to 11 other languages. Ravens have been known to forage in dumps for discarded Rubik’s Cubes and put them back together themselves, then drop them on losers’ windowsills. As a taunt. Strategically though, having a cooperative Raven on your team is like having an analog “drone.” Flying around. Cracking your opponents’ playbook. Can’t really absorb a hit, though.
Chief — Um, Ok. Should I even …
While the origin of the team's name has no affiliation with American Indian culture, much of the club's early promotional activities relied heavily on imagery and messaging depicting American Indians in a racially insensitive fashion. Over the course of the club's 60-plus-year history, the Chiefs organization has worked to eliminate this offensive imagery and other forms of cultural appropriation in their promotional materials and game-day presentation.
Fans never got that memo.
So, you have a drunk white adult’s version of a “Chief” on your side. Whatever that means. Best wishes.
Lion — Ready to maul the shit out of anything. Maybe even its own team. It can not take criticism. The fucker can not catch, but doesn’t wanna hear it. The Lion is a jerk. And troubled. A window-peeker. Sleeps at a GM plant amidst asbestos-laden brake linings. You wouldn’t like it, either.
Below: just an old football guy. Looks like he might have spent a lot of time waiting for Phil Lesh to come out of the dressing room after a gig.
unrelated
(These are all football things sitting on my desktop, you get to enjoy them now)
Wink Martindale daydreaming about absolutely destroying a Denny’s breakfast and the men’s room.
Brian Branch wears mouthguard ON helmet
DEEBO SAMUEL CAREER HIGHLIGHTS
Pause for a moment of housekeeping from last week. Need to click on image.
Below: Dalvin post-game in Philly 2022.
best comment on facebook ever:
McMahon, pre-spiked hair.
I could see Brandi Melville actually reproducing this T shirt below. I wouldn’t recommend buying it. But it would not look that out of place on their shelves.
Maybe not.
Below: Jim “Rockford” sits next to Fred Biletnikoff at a Raiders game.
People are suggesting this:
