When will Tyreek get "on stage"?
Also: Play Like a (very particular) Dahmer Today!
Ages ago, an announcer like (former NFL coach) Hank Stram would provide viewers with in-game analysis like, “Hey Diddle Diddle, there’s a run up the middle.” Pat Summerall would speak floridly about some Cowboys lineman doing ranch work. John Madden would spaz out comparing a player to an omelette. But today, dudes fall all over themselves introducing complicated “game” language that’s unnecessary. It really doesn’t help viewers when Tony Romo says a team is “in phase.” Or Greg Olsen goes off about “catch radius” or a QB “going through his progression” instead of, I dunno, “looking for the open man.” But if you’re enjoying it, here’s some more fancy terminology, explained.
“Scoring Gestation” — A drive of any length/duration. “McCarthy would prefer a long scoring gestation here.” “Eberflus wants an uncomplicated scoring gestation.” “Josh Allen and the Bills offense are pregnant with possibility.”
“Down deficit” — Poor time of possession. “The Lions have been operating with a down deficit all day.”
“Ball Harvest” — A catch. “Did you see how Hunter Renfrow harvested that ball? He brought it in at its ripest.”
“Ripe ball” — A good or bad throw. Either of which have a moment where they’re their ripest for harvest.
“On Stage” — End Zone. “Would really like to see Tyreek get on stage.” “He’s not on stage until he breaks the plane of the goal, at which point a full production of Barefoot in the Park will take place. And as we come up on the 27th anniversary of his passing, you really wonder if Herb Edelman who played Harry Pepper in the original wouldn’t like to join in the fun?”
“The White Area” — The sidelines. “He was very careful not to go into the white area.”
“Skill Fraud” — Holding. “Practiced a bit of skill fraud on that play.”
“Laces Averse” — A kicker’s poor reaction to a snapped football on a field goal attempt.
“Total fucking loser” — “Watson made the mistake of holding onto the ball like a total fucking loser.”
“Brine” — Overloaded offensive formation, or defensive coverage. “The Chargers really brined that side of the field.”
“Borrow” — A takeaway. Either interception or fumble. “Now the defense steps in and borrows the football. It’s important to know that it’s not theirs ‘for keeps’ but for the time being they will borrow it and give it to their offense in a form of arbitrage.”
“Dahmer” — “The Steelers defense will be asked to function a little bit like Dahmer. Just wreaking havoc with no real memory or idea of what is going on, and also no shame in doing it. They gotta start fillin’ their proverbial fridge with offensive body parts.”
“Improvisational locomotion” — A scrambling QB. “Russell Wilson is still occasionally great at improvisational locomotion.”
“Matriculate to the open space” — Get open. I think this one is actually real.
“Situational Deceit” – QB Sneak, or any kind of fake. “Dobbs is the master of situational deceit.”
“Added to cart” — Not a full QB sack, but enough to screw up the offense.
“Situational Ambergris” — “The field is filled with ambergris of all the Bears fuck-ups today.”
“Transfer” — Punt or kick off. “The Seahawks will now be asked to transfer the ball and they complied.”
“Untaken pass” — Incomplete pass. “Young with another untaken pass.”
“Virgin pass” — Same thing.
“Phillipe Petit” — tightrope catch/run.“CeeDee Lamb really Phillipe Petit-ed the sidelines after the catch.”
“Operating without the ball” — playing defense. “The Saints will now be asked to operate without the ball.”
“Not wearing a seat belt” — An unwitting receiver who gets led by a pass into a horrible collision.