Trading Cards as Tarot Cards
what are your team's chances?
We love this 1981 set, don’t we?
We need to return to it today.
Why?
The 1981 Topps football set has special powers. It functions as a sort of fan-feelings Tarot card. A potential predictor of your team’s post-season success. Just a warning, though. You gotta know how to really read these things.
For example, if the Bengals had done well this season, the card below might serve as a reminder to stay focused and not get cocky going into the playoffs.
However, look at the Bengals record today, and then look at the card below. It’s telling you to go eat some Skyline Chili and fuck off. See you next year.
How about the Raiders? You got rid of head coach, Josh McDaniels, permanently dressed as a little mighty mouse tattle-tale at a slumber party who gets too heated and basically demands to be put in a headlock repeatedly.
But you’re still stuck with owner’s son Mark Davis. His haircut has triggered tens of thousands of identical, unimaginative observations, and yet…
The man is nearly 70 and this has been his aesthetic for decades.
The Raiders have had eight head coaches since Al Davis died in 2011. Eight head coaches in 13 years. And a move to Las Vegas, playing inside a stadium that looks like the bowl of a well-used weed pipe.
The Raiders are so far from their preferred identity that the Autumn Wind doesn’t make sense to anyone under 45 years old (this corny “poem” has always benefitted from John Facenda’s wonderful narration, btw).
Let’s look at the Raiders card we pulled:
Chris Bahr’s expression says it all. Why bother? We’re lost. Lost in the Nevada desert. Chris, you’re 70 now. You played pro soccer and pro football. Your brother Matt also DID BOTH.
His card spooks us. If you pull this one:
DO NOT GO BACK INTO THE CABIN, JESSICA!!!!
You’re little overachievers. Pennsylvania perfectionists.
But for one moment in time, (LOOK BACK AT THE CHRIS CARD PLEASE) some photog captured a look of concern. A look of doubt. Disillusioned in Oakland (with nicer hair than Mark Davis ever had) under a sunny California sky. Were you looking into the future? Do you watch Raiders games now? Every head coach your team has had in the last decade looks like they all run different fraudulent hoagie shops in Camden, NJ. Davante Adams potential wasted yet again for another season.
How about the Buccaneers? I don’t mind Baker Mayfield. I liked those Progressive ads. I marvel at the idea that he was once the face of a huge national ad campaign, and now resides, ironically, in Florida’s Cleveland, mired at 8-8. Or 9-7. Or whatever.
But heading to the post-season, do the Buccaneers have a chance?
Ask Wood.
Still not convinced? Ask ECKwood, then.
Think the Eagles are a Super Bowl team? Sure.
A lot of Champions lose to the Jets and the Cardinals.
Let’s see what Benched Billy Campfield thinks.
That’s not a “maybe.”
And don’t even get these guys started about the Seahawks.
Dave is despondent.
And Terry’s getting ready to smell his fingers. He just needs to make sure no one is looking.
But the Seahawks have the 12th Man! The best fans in the universe!
Really?
Does it seem like Dan Doornink felt the love?
DOORNINK.
His expression says he’s got a small hunk of oxyacetylene heated rebar in his jock strap.
One more Seahawk for good measure. Years before he won the Super Bowl with the 49ers Manu was depressed.
Let’s check out the Saints. They currently have a -19% chance to make the playoffs. They need to win, and also, for some reason, to have Herschel Walker pull a hamstring in a 1985 USFL game. But the card we draw is the ultimate decider.
Saints Center John Hill. Results? Inconclusive. It looks like he did something or saw something in an Arby’s bathroom. Sorry. What about another card? Russell Erxleben, who looks like an embezzling philanderer on an episode of Hart to Hart.
Gimme another card!
Ok.
Here’s Benny Ricardo who was the Saints kicker and also looks like he decided to represent himself in court for cases he wasn’t even on trial for.
Fuck it. One more Saint. Tom Myers. Okay. He’s busy watching his best friend, and the Saints playoff chances, die in a trench in Guadalcanal.
Johnny “Lam” Jones is concerned you’d even wonder about the Jets.
Vernon sits on a bench for a team that doesn’t exist anymore.
But he knows you’re not telling him the Titans or Texans have any hope.
Jack Tatum looks like he’s had a festive afternoon on the sidelines.
How about the Vikings? Here’s Rickey Young, daydreaming about Nick Mullens attempting to “throw him open.”
A reprise performance for Dave Jennings. Dave knows the Giants are done. All the Tommy Cutlets talk was the perfect distraction for him to throw his cat burglar cap on and reach for the jewels. (Seriously, Uni Watch needs to investigate why Jennings got to wear this random ass stocking cap on the sidelines)
Let’s go back to the Vikings.
Still not making the playoffs.
The Topps photo editor for this set was determined to turn kids off of playing football.
How about the Rams? They squeaked into the playoffs! How is Sean McVay doing? He looks like he runs a Red Lobster waiter-training lab just outside of their headquarters in Orlando and he’s gonna need you to shave a few seconds off delivering that crispy dragon shrimp to that 4-top, ok, boss?
But we’ll need a vibe from the 1981 Rams. Let’s see…
That can’t be right. Let’s pull another.
We know the Broncos are not making the playoffs. The Luke Prestridge “all my shit goes haywire when I punt” card tells us that. The helmet is flying off. The hands are going jazz. And he’s on invisible roller skates. Sean Payton would destroy this guy.
The Bills chances rely on this card. Jim Haslett. Sorry.
How about the Cardinals? Here’s Roger Wehrli, drinking from an unbranded Gatorade cup, looking like that Daily Stoic creep. Live a simple life! And let me tell you about a text I got from Zach Braff! Archimedes would say don’t be such a loser.
The Lions seemingly have a chance, but the card we pulled suggests a contemplative dad at a stuffed animal hospital, knowing he’ll have to deliver some bad news. Sorry.
I think we need to try another Buccaneers card.
Never mind.
The Dolphins have dominated this season and also had some really dumb losses. Vern Den Herder has a placekicker’s name, and the face of an Arizona State Patrolman who operates his own private jail. He just caught you driving erratically and now you’re in the backseat of his cruiser being forced to drink a liquid Twix. You will lose in the conference championship. I don’t make the rules.
How about the Cowboys? I just know we’re gonna pull an action shot.
Never mind. It’s just Bob Breunig suffering from medical constipation.
The Chargers experienced some turmoil this season. The card pulled here is Louie Kelcher, wondering if you’re a total idiot for cheering for them, and then shoving you into your locker. You are a teacher.
If you’re a Commanders fan, there’s no worse card to pull than the 1981 Mark Moseley. This “kicker wearing a glove” card tells you that there are aspects to the sport that will remain elusive.
Better to pull the card with Karl … apparently still openly mourning John Bonham on the sidelines.
How about Rich Milot? He might tell you the Commanders fate, but first you’ll have to invade this H&R Block with him, okay?
I think Don Warren saved Powers Boothe’s life in Southern Comfort.
Dave Butz doesn’t believe in Tarot Cards.
And Joe Lavender was embarrassed every time Joe Theismann wore a turtleneck under his jersey.
Good luck today.