This is the first year that Yahoo! has given me an A grade for my “fantasy” drafting ability. Their post-draft analysis — annually — chastises me. And/or patronizes me. Inevitably starting every season off on the wrong foot, with harsh words:
For a person who obviously wrestles with undiagnosed(?) mental defect(s), it appears that you did your best. You burned a lot of picks, however, on players who are scrubs. And if you’re at the mall right now, make sure that people (yes, even strangers) can see your name tag, and please get back to the van on time. Why are you shoplifting Dude Wipes, by the way?
Anyway, The Guys. The Athletes. The Players. I’m good at remembering them. Even projecting fictional shit into their world. But the new guys, I’m clueless. And like an old person, I’m prisoner to a burning impulse to resist NEW INFORMATION. The old shit is fine. “You’re telling me Don Strock is not QB-ing the Dolphins? Well, he’s QB-ing MY Dolphins, goddamnit.”
Goddamnit.
This is likely not a new observation. (Nothing is new here!) Imagine being the first person to say, “I bet even GOD would … I don’t know, I feel like I’m going overboard a little bit, but I could see GOD actually DAMNING this shit. How do you like that? Strong chance that God thinks it sucks. Maybe even instructs the Dolphins to not make any moves post 1983, or accept the consequences.”
Sorry Quora, no one waited until the 17th century. Goddamn you.
THERE ARE NEW GODDAMN RUNNING BACKS?
Kyren Williams? take him first. take him first!!!! I don’t remember anything the dude did last season. I don’t remember anything the Rams did. They did move from St. Louis, no? I vaguely remember QB Baker Mayfield winding up in LA after taking a Greyhound bus from Carolina in December of 2022, and WOW-ing all of us without practicing for even a minute with the Rams, thereby securing his next-season deal with the Buccaneers (whose starting RB is Rachaad White — none of us know anything about him. My brain is broken in a way that insists that Ronald Jones II is still on their roster).
But, look, everyone deserves a 20+ month break from the Rams.
And Bijan Robinson? All I remember is that the former Falcons coach, Arthur Smith, who frequently resembles a man who is certain that his Ford F-150 is capable of carrying his unborn child to term:
seemed to frustratingly refuse to get the ball to Bijan and Kyle Pitts and Drake London last season. Ya know? Players fans actually want to see do shit. As a result, Smith was fired. This year people believe they will get the ball.
ONTO MY GODDAMN TEAM.
I went huge this season on rookies and new guys I knew a little bit about. I looked at my own rat patterns and ZAGGED. You can pick injured Nick Chubb. Or Craig “Ironhead” Heyward (RIP) or Mike Tomczak. I will expand my horizons.
Ages ago, I won the league by picking Adrian Peterson in his rookie season. I went back to that behavior.
OSU and now Arizona Cardinal WR Marvin Harrison Jr was my second pick.
New Charger WR Ladd McConkey was picked somewhere along the way. No relation to Phil, btw.
Jermaine Burton, Bengals rookie, picked.
Second year Packers WR Jayden Reed was selected. No catches in the Cowboys playoff stomping, but this was sure fun to watch. I love the entire Packers young WRs corps. There are four dudes. All like 20 years old. Can’t keep em all straight. Wanted Romeo Doubs, too. Didn’t get him. Christian Watson. Dontayvion Wicks. I know they all sleep in one room on bunk beds in DePere. I think all Packers fans should sleep on bunk beds in the parking lot of Lambeau Field. Which was much better before it was modernized. The Packers will be fun to watch and they will beat the Eagles who have a lot of talent but always seem upset about something.
My Running Backs are old men in new locations.
Derrick Henry in Baltimore.
Joe Mixon in Houston. So many weapons in Houston. Joe will benefit.
Aaron Jones in Minnesota.
The rest of the squad: Jerry Jeudy. George Kittle. Patrick Mahomes.
And as always two Tylers on the Bench.
No relation to these two Tylers. But the same tenacity.
OTHER NEW AND SORTA NEW GUYS, NOT ON MY TEAM.
Commanders New QB Jayden Daniels
Btw, you know Jamison Crowder is still there? You know he threw a pass for them in 2015? Yes.
De’Von Achane, Dolphins
De’Von is the starting RB, but Raheem Mostert’s 18 TDs were a JOY to watch last year. Mostert is old (not as old as Nirvana’s Nevermind though) and he gained over 1000 yards last year, too. Career-wise, though he has about 1/3rd the carries that Derrick Henry has, so maybe less wear and tear?
Not according to uh, Draft Sharks:
Raheem (who ripped his knee up a couple years back and had been through some shit before that):
Derrick:
So… if you’re the Dolphins, maybe you go with Achane — a decade younger and got 8 yards a carry last season. (But still I bet Mostert gets 8 TDs this year at a minimum.) And if you’re the Ravens you shrug off those 9,000,000 carries and rely on the fact that Derrick Henry is a punisher.
Other dudes:
Rome Odunze
Bears WR. 6’3” not to be confused with Sublime with Rome. The Bears are going to be a lot of fun this year. (You should be compensated if you were exposed to Sublime with Rome, or Sublime without Rome. Or exposed to Jim Rome. That guy sucks.)
Antonio Gibson
I’m wistful for fanless, expansive, empty pandemic stadiums. In 2020, as a rookie, Gibson scored 11 TDs, gained 1000 yards and then got fewer and fewer carries year by year. He is now a Patriot. He’s not the starter, but it’s good he is elsewhere.
James Cook
Buffalo. Emerging RB. Will be fun. I have no idea who their receivers are now. I am still watching replays of the Bills Chiefs 2022 playoff game. Tell me where Devin Singletary is now, quickly!
The Entire Houston Texans Offense
These guys are worked up.
More tomorrow.
And yeah …
An Earnest Post about Undrafted WRs
Lil’Jordan Humphrey caught the first Broncos TD pass of the season yesterday.