Romo vs. Collinsworth

...Right?

It was too nice of a day to be on lockdown watching three consecutive NFL games, so I have no data to present in terms of the number of times Greg Olsen and Kevin Burkhardt chose to utter the popular and annoying and meaningless speech tic “right?” while attempting to make a point during the 1PM EST 49ers at Browns game on Sunday. I gave ‘em the day off. Hope they made the most of it! I’d already done an informal analysis about that pairing a few weeks back, and it seems like the main thing it revealed is how frequently I have the volume off on the rest of the games.

Because bouncing in between games over the last couple of weeks, it’s clear that other well-paid analysts— like Tony Romo and Cris Collinsworth — have been bitten by the “right?” bug, too. On ESPN’s Monday night Manningcast, Peyton Manning seems to have found a new fave word besides “Omaha.” So much that it’s now rubbing off on brother Eli.

Would you really pay someone $17 million, or $12.5 million a season to sound like a product manager pitching the folks at PetSmart corporate their new Pupsteps app? (“At the end of the day, it’s not how many steps you take, right? It’s about how much exercise your dog is getting, right? Truthfully though, the app is species agnostic, right? Like you could take a Bearded Dragon on a walk and you’d still get an understanding of how many steps it took. Birds are a little tougher though, right? And then there’s calories burned, right? Wait till you see this!)

I could only commit to Patriots at Raiders, the CBS game with Jim Nantz and Tony Romo. A lot of this game didn’t feel like football. Whenever I’m watching games at Allegiant Stadium (home of this season’s Super Bowl), it feels like I’m getting a look at a half-finished or perhaps already burned out set of a movie based on an old video game like Wizard of Wor, Joust, Gauntlet, or even Q*Bert. A more sinister Q*Bert. He fell off the back? Good luck finding that orange fucker. Anything could have happened to him.

It’s a vibe that carries over from the stadium’s opening during the pandemic, I suppose. Seeing zero human life anywhere, except for what was on the field, gives the place a Squid Game vibe that’s hard to shake. You tell me how many quarters we’re playing! Seeing it full of transient Raiders and Away Team fans (some dope in a Rams jersey was at field level yesterday) I get the sensation I’m watching football inside a stadium-sized vape cartridge. There’s a fog of a Vegas-only Michelob product in the air. One we will never enjoy.

On the field, the action didn’t help much, either. Close game. Yeah, it was. But it also felt like the teams were just learning football at the same time. Brian Hoyer stepped in for Jimmy G. and performed fine, but it always seems like he’s coming directly from Texas Roadhouse where 19 tables are waiting for margaritas and a couple of his MVPs called in sick, and what are we even doing now? Trying to beat the Raiders? Ok? Then, I gotta get back there. Jesus. Months go by where you do not hear the name Brian Hoyer and then he arrives to QB and also scold you about the condition of the shingles on your roof.

The night game with Collinsworth and Tirico bringing us the Giants at the Bills was close. Should have been exciting. I couldn’t stay awake for a chunk of the 4th quarter, so my “right?” count might be off. Giants coach Brian Daboll had some tantrums about not knowing how to save and deploy his time outs, then took it out on backup QB Tyrod Taylor, who was just trying to fucking help.

The game ended on a penalty. The additonal play was a (uncalled) penalty. The Giants should have won. But we live in a world where the Chiefs and Bills must never lose. NBC’s retired ref Terry Macauley sounds like a pained Youth Group pastor whenever Tirico and Collinsworth ask about a frequently horrible call made by the refs. He can’t quite bring himself to side one way or the other. “You shit on the cathedral floor? In some parishes, that’s not going to go over well. I can understand the urge to go to the bathroom, but I’m wondering if this was done out of spite? Either way, it happened and we need to move on.”

Here’s how often Romo and Collinsworth relied on “right?” when making their points yesterday. Maybe you can live with it. I can not.

Collinsworth’s booth mate Mike Tirico threw in at least one “right?” himself. 

Collinsworth surprisingly used the phrase “isn’t it?” instead of “right?” one time in Q1