No Ring for Lyle

First names that'll never win the Super Bowl

Len Dawson, Super Bowl winner and loser.

There has never been an NFL QB named Lyle. Around 1984, that name fell off a fucking cliff in America. It was like there was a serial killer named Lyle that scared or actually hunted expectant parents (dead set on naming their own unborn child Lyle) and that name vanished. Excommunicated from maternity wards and playgrounds everywhere. So if you’ve attached all your hopes to the idea that a guy named Lyle will pilot your favorite team to a Super Bowl win in the future, you’re shit out of luck.

Additionally, there has never been a QB named Ethan in the NFL. Let alone one who won a Super Bowl. In fact, I doubt we’ll ever see an Ethan win a Super Bowl as a QB. I’ll bet everything it never happens. But one way to get me to change my mind is to ask me about it using this template: “Do you really think on September 9th, 2023 that we will never see a QB named Ethan win a Super Bowl? Ever? Really? Are you ready to declare that?” I love when people argue this way. Throw the date in there. What’s the penalty if I’m wrong? The electric chair? A dozen besmirched Ethans? Who gives a shit? Game over, Ethan. Go star in a Richard Linklatter movie. 

There has never been a player of any type named Breckin in the NFL. In 2018, Breckin was the 4,362nd most popular boy's name in the U.S.. It is losing steam now. However, in 2007, 40 of every million babies born here were named Breckin, so never say never. There are a couple of Breckins playing college football RIGHT NOW, and this little Wisconsin high school cross country dude: “... senior Breckin Schommer grabbed top honors in the Prescott Cross Country Invitational last Saturday.” So athletic Gen-Z Breckins exist, and are perhaps, thriving. None of them appear to be NFL-grade QBs. 

If you look at Super Bowl wins by QB by name, it’s a really vanilla-ass normie list. Someone else has had to have done this exercise, but I don’t want to ruin all the Googling and math I’ve done by looking. Basically, you have to have kind of a snoozer of a name to win the Super Bowl.

Here’s a list of QB Super Bowl wins, by first name:

QBs NAMED TOM: 7 

QBs NAMED JOE: 7 (Flacco, Montana, Theismann, Namath) 

QBs NAMED TERRY: 4 (we’re probably done with Terrys QBing in the future) 

QBs NAMED JIM: 3 (McMahon, Plunkett) 

QBs NAMED JOHN/JOHNNY: 3 (Elway, Unitas … ironically John Elway refused to play for Johnny Unitas’ team) 

QBs NAMED TROY: 3  (seems unlikely we’ll see another Trophy-hoisting Troy) 

QBs NAMED BOB: 2  

QBs NAMED ROGER: 2  (know any babies named Roger?) 

QBs NAMED BEN: 2

QBs NAMED BART: 2 

Outliers. These are more uniquely named QBs who’ve won at least one Super Bowl:

QBs NAMED ELI: 2 

QBs NAMED PEYTON: 2 

Peyton has also LOST two Super Bowls. Speaking of losers, here they are by name: 

QBs NAMED JIM/JIMMY: 5 (Garoppolo and Kelly)

QBs NAMED TOM: 3 (look if you want your kid to play in the Super Bowl, “Tom” has been there 10 times, win or lose.) 

QBs NAMED FRAN: 3 (Think there’s another Fran coming to lose more Super Bowls? I don’t think there’s been a human being named Fran in a onesie in America since 1949) 

No QB named Chad has won a playoff game. Wrong. That sounds cool, though. Sorry, Chads. I gotta diminish your football success. Chad Pennington actually won 2 playoff games at QB. And Chad Henne did not win a playoff game, but he filled in (briefly) for Patrick Mahomes against the Jags last January and produced the longest TD drive in Chiefs playoff history (and they won):

Based on the number of NFL teams, and the number of seasons, there have been well over 1,000 opportunities for more QBs with both common and uncommon names to win a Super Bowl. But the winners list has only one Mark, only one Phil, and ZERO* guys named Bill, Mike (Mike Kruczek got two rings as a Steelers back up, as did Mike Livingston for the Chiefs, Mike Norseth was on the Bengals LOSING roster),Tanner, Tim, Tony (as a loser, there’s one Tony), Lee, Rick, Dick, Jason (Jason Garrett had to have won rings as a Cowboys backup?), Kyle, Jake (there is a SB loser Jake) and there’s been a long-ass drought for QBs named Bob to win a Super Bowl. 

But in terms of SB winning QBs? 

No Dusty.

No Gabe. 

No Paul. 

No Carmine.

No Eric. 

No Zach. 

No Alex. (Alex Smith on 49ers SB losing roster) 

No Josh. 

No Sean, No Shawn, No Shaun. 

No River. No Toby. No Justin. No Kevin. No Dan. 

No Brandon, Brendan, or Brennan. 

No Spencer. 

What about Greg? No. What if we throw another g on there? Gregg? No. Fuck off.

Todd?  Nope. Couple of interesting Todds as NFL QBs though. Look ‘em up.

I am intrigued by the fact that a Drew B won a Super Bowl, while an entirely different Drew B lost a Super Bowl. I am fascinated by this. It’s all I’ll think about now.

No one named David ever won a Super Bowl as QB. No Daves. Speaking of which, you can’t rely on AI to help you write this shit. If I bet the use of my limbs on Google Bard being able to tell me the real number of Dave/David QBs in the NFL, I’d be in trouble. 

Actually David Whitehurst played much earlier. And where was David Woodley, the losing QB for the Dolphins in Super Bowl 17? 

Then we got into a whole thing about Charlie Whitehurst. In my experience, sometimes AI will start fantasizing and making shit up along with me, but when I asked it this, it did not want to play along. Maybe next time.

*I can’t keep searching for QBs as SB back-ups.