Manhattan Mini Storage retains its name, but it is now owned by another company, the Storage Assholes, I think they’re called. For years, Manhattan Mini Storage has built a playful brand around gentle social commentary in their ads a la Kenneth Cole, and the Storage Assholes wisely see the value in keeping that going, while implementing some new unpleasant and frankly punitive policies underneath. Last spring, they began hounding me about a redesign they were doing near my space.
When I got to my floor, it looked as if Guile from Street Fighter had been given some bad news. Lockers were destroyed. And it was clear mice had set up a casino in my stuff. There had been a lot of chewing (not food, just paper) and a lot of shitting (many street food vendors store stuff in that facility), and the mice made a nest in an old Louisiana alligator head a friend had sent me. This is all stuff that happens in a casino, by the way. Chewing, shitting, and nesting in reptile heads. Anyway, I had to move spaces and in the time since, my rent has gone up 354%, so today some changes were made.
That meant I spent time packing, swearing, and excavating a lot of printed matter that seems bizarre to hang onto. But there are so many gems tucked away! (And I am a hoarder.)
This is going somewhere.
So. Anyway, a long time ago, when I was doing NFL Picks at McSweeney’s I didn’t really have a strategy. I would be very happy to see Corey Dillon get a 96-yard TD run (longest rush in Bengals history — but let’s not forget Sam Hubbard) and also intrigued that he always seemed to be scowling. Corey Dillon always looked like you were lying to him unsuccessfully about something his grandmother did. Matter of fact, Corey’s still mad today and with good reason. The Bengals didn’t put him in their Ring of Honor.
"It's damn-near criminal, what [voters] are pulling off, to be honest with you," Dillon, 48, said on not being in the Bengals' Ring of Honor. "Did I not play for them? I don't know, bro. I'm curious about that. Because it looks like they are glossing over me. For what reason? Because I left? That's not a good enough reason. You are telling me there's five other guys better than me -- at my position? And trust me, this is no knock on whoever is getting in, who goes in, that's not what it is about. It's about what is your excuse going to be? I'm pretty sure they will put f-----g Jon Kitna in there before they put me. Matter of fact, Scott Mitchell will end up in that motherf----- before I do."
Fucking Jon Kitna!
I could have spent some of those endless McSweeney’s column inches writing about Corey Dillon, and you know what? I just might have. I gotta go look. I’m just typing shit tonight. I did spend a lot of time fantasizing (as you’ll see below) about getting rid of Terry Bradshaw (aka The Mike Love of the NFL).
So one thing I would do is just write about other stuff besides the NFL. Just a few weeks after Corey Dillon was rushing for 96-yards, I was calling up Kumar Pallana, who I thought was fantastic as Mr. Littlejeans in Bottle Rocket (his hat looks a bit Detroit Lions-y), and was now starring in The Royal Tenenbaums. I can not remember how I got his phone number. I might have just looked it up.
Kumar told me a lot of stuff. Years later, I had to interview Owen Wilson about a different actor. It wasn’t even an Owen Wilson story. It was one of those things where someone gets an actor to get on the phone to tell you that another actor is a real normal good dude who acts his balls off or something. Owen did that and then I kept him on the phone and started talking to him about Kumar Pallana. I’m sure he was THRILLED to sit and listen to some strange oaf jabber on, but he did re-enact the Bottle Rocket elevator scene over the phone. “Did you ever have a touch to begin with?” And then he laughed, because he wrote that line and he knew it was a fucking keeper. And then he mumbled it again. I gotta find that tape.
Amidst my storage stuff, I found some old copies of a little zine I made from the McSweeney’s NFL stuff. And in it is the Kumar interview. Which I think also exists on the internet, but here it is on mint ice cream colored paper. Enjoy. If you want a copy of the book, lemme know. There’s a pile of ‘em left.
And despite the way everything above this sentence reads, I would probably have done a better editing job with this interview below nowadays. I don’t think it matters. In early October, it will be ten years since Kumar passed away. He was one of the greats. We were lucky to see the guy.
