I only know most contemporary NFL coaches by their body language, grooming, and fashion sense. There’s a very recognizable cluster of them, and it’s easy to just call ‘em “Fitness Bryans” or something. Toned. Moisturized in a league where most coaches are chapped and weathered like beef jerky or unwittingly creating their own micro-atmospheres like ignored steam-table ham. Pitched to fans as fucking geniuses, these handsome lads swashbuckle up and down the sidelines (often impatiently) with manicured facial hair and team-branded sweatsuits and hats that are somehow unavailable to average dumpy fans. They’re progressive! Friends with players. Maybe even nice?
But now many of them are on the hot seat. Kliff Kingsbury. For all the alliterative effort his parents threw into naming him, was fired from his Cardinals gig. Sports talk radio people are very angry about lithe yet-inefficient Chargers coach Brandon Staley wasting his glorious resources. Sean McVay won a Super Bowl and looks like a 90210 throwback or an aggressive Tampa realtor you matched with on a dating app who demands you to fill out a questionnaire about his personality. Packers coach Matt LaFleur hasn’t had curly fries since Stankonia was released. The 49ers guy, Kyle Shanahan has built on his dad’s tan, and incredible teeth and is doing his own thing. Colts’ new coach Shane something seems like he needs to eat and he’s mad about it.
In light of these very self-aware studs, it’s fucking amazing to have a first-class goober like Jonathan Gannon stalking the sidelines for the Cardinals. Here’s a clip from his introductory press conference:
Sorry, that was wrong. An escapee from Tim & Eric’s Beef House…
or the Steely Dan universe, Gannon was roasted last winter for being awkward:
But it’s a different kind of awkward from the way that Lions coach Dan Campbell came off when he did all that kneecap stuff. Campbell had time to think of that soliloquy and then perform it. Gannon, it appears, just moves through life this way. We need more of this shit. Adults who socialize like graduates of the University of Forming Connections With Other Human Beings. I need more of this guy.
Anyway, here’s the a cheat sheet for the rest of the coaches. The less-fashionable dudes who, shit, you’re not going to need to remember any of this. But just in case. It’s hard to keep up.
Bears Coach: The Bears have gone with back-to-back Matts as head coach. On purpose. Matt Nagy, who often had to leave practice to pick his nine sons up from swimming and archery lessons, to Matt Eberfluss who is Sports Mitt Romney.
Bengals Coach: Zac Taylor. Sitcom dad. Mom has to hide the donut holes from him. Rakes the neighbor’s lawn for a decade, with no “thank you.”
Bills Coach: Sports Bill Burr.
Broncos Coach: You know him. He’s mad about it all now.
Browns Coach: Kevin Stefanski. He spent 1000 years in Vikings organization, and seems to still be coaching for them.
Buccaneers Coach: Todd Bowles. Guy perennially handed bag of dogshit.
Chiefs Coach: You know his ass.
Commanders Coach: You know him.
Cowboys Coach: You know him. He could go 0-16 and still get a job.
Dolphins Coach: Mike McDaniel. Nerd who makes his own drugs. Last guy awake at the party. Alone on the sofa, staring at you sleeping. Funny, but not in ways he understands.
Eagles Coach: Nick Sirianni. Slight BMX kid energy. Craftier than he needs to be, or gets credit for. Takes the time to teach a sheepdog how to Ollie on a skateboard, and is mad you aren’t watching. Always pissed.
Falcons Coach: Arthur Smith. Guy who has kidnapped and tortured Batman.
Giants Coach: Brian Daboll. He will not rest until he wins a Super Bowl.
Jaguars Coach: Doug Pederson. Visor guy. Looks like a dad who pretends to put his junk on the grill, then cannot stop laughing. And does it again. Eventually, you gather your things and go home.
Jets Coach: Robert Salah. Guy who happily tells you he never sleeps. He’s also convinced he’s better at everything than you. “Think ‘shrooms are cool? We’ll fuckin’ shroom then, hot shot. You’re gonna freak out.”
Panthers Coach: Frank Reich. Guy who tells you randomly that he was lost in the woods last winter. For like a month. Almost lost a foot. (lifts foot, wiggles it) Tries to get rebates on Sheetz subs. And yet, the guy is a legend. (BTW, most white adult men of a certain age think they could have been Don Beebe).
Patriots Coach: You know him.
Raiders Coach: Josh McDaniels. You know him, too. No NFL head coach has ever needed a stylist more than him. Looks like a narc.
Ravens Coach: You know him. He’s been there since 1942.
Titans Coach: Mike Vrabel. More respect for him every year. Took until now to learn he stole beer from a casino in 2011. Why was this hidden from me? Keep it up.
Vikings Coach: Kevin O’Connell. He will be 16 on his next birthday.
Saints Coach: Dennis Allen. He’s 50 and looks 27. Hired to re-invent Circuit City and keeps saying no one’s job is safe.
Seahawks coach: Pete Carroll = Sports Bruce Hornsby w/ gum.
Steelers Coach: You know him.
Texans Coach: DeMeco Ryans. Guy who looks like he is confirming that we are going to have a problem.