Fireman Ed's Rules For Taylor Swift

Going from performer to spectator at Met Life

This week, living up to our promise of devoting 85% of our editorial space to the community, we hear from Jets Superfan: Fireman Ed.

*As told to Jeff Johnson and David Roth.

Taylor, you’re welcome to walk into this building like any other civilian. You’ve performed here. So have I. Truthfully, I’ve performed here a bit more than you over the years. And as the original Jets Influencer, I frequently get 80,000 IRL “likes” multiple times per game. Anyway, we both know what it takes to get people fired up. So, from one famous entertainer to another, here are some things to consider when coming to MetLife as a football fan. 

Jets History

A new fan — even a visiting one — should know something about the J-E-T-S, beyond the stats. Take Joe Klecko. How did Joe and Debbie raise five wonderful children? Did you know Joe also drove a truck? True story. I never asked what he hauled because it’s none of my business. Joe was also in Smokey and The Bandit I and II. A lot of people say Smokey IN the Bandit, which I don’t know if they’re trying to be funny, but regardless, it’s disrespectful. I will tell you that there are still places in Nassau (County), probably still some in Suffolk (County) that won’t serve you unless you’re fluent in the New York Sack Exchange. 

Safety (it’s not just a position on the field) 

Bring an epi pen with you to the game! Security might get on your case for it. I understand that they don’t want people bringing things into games. There was an instance where someone threw a propane tank at Cleo Lemon. But you will want the epi pen, because you’re in the unique position now where people will be trying to make their own condiments for you, after last week. Mixing ranch and God knows what, in an effort to impress you. Maybe someone from Aramark puts something that runs afoul of the FDA in a newfangled chicken tender dip, and before you know it, they’ll have to wheel you outta your suite. The epi pen will ensure that you get to see the entire game. Though it does not protect against bites, which could occur, too.

Our Fans

If you run into a guy named Rick, and you are unable to get any semblance of a last name out of him, and he seems inebriated and claims his friends ditched him, this is actually a legit person. He is living out what 1 of 3 every Jets fans experience, daily, whether they are at a game or not. The guy might only be 22 years-old, wearing a rare Jets Bubby Brister or even Art Monk jersey, and asking if you wanna “split wings,” or talking about how he has to “be at work in just a few hours.” This won’t seem credible, but if it’s Rick, it is probably credible. He is forklift certified and is expected in Moonachie; he will most likely make it, without any help at all. He will also not know who you are. Without a doubt.

Economic Opportunities (for me)

The camera may cut to you to see your reaction up in your suite, like Rapunzel or whoever, when I’m doing my cheer. You’re not the first. My advice is act like you are charmed. An exec from Unilever could be monitoring, and one smile from you could get me a houseboat. A gateway to tons of endorsements. Unilever makes food. They maybe make medicine, too? I dunno. I’m looking at their site now. There’s something they manufacture — not to be graphic — that’s like a goo. I’m told it’s frosting, but I shoot it into my knee when it’s gimpy, and it’s a game-changer. I do it with an old basketball pump. I don’t know the ingredients, but it’s likely not vegan. 

Chiefs History

Not my business, but the Chiefs didn’t start with Travis. Where were you when Steve Bono was their QB? Because between you, me, and the entire population of the U.S., Steve was the most handsome Chief at any position. Ever. Eddie Kennison was special, too. Why not wear a T-shirt with Gunther Cunningham’s face on it? That would get a lot of haters to STFU. If you want another verse to “All Too Well” you could do worse than referencing Casey Wiegmann, who just turned 50 this summer but doesn’t look a day over 46, and could break your heart into a million pieces, but is probably head-to-toe in Tom Ford and already dating someone special. He was undrafted and a Jet for a moment. A moment that will never return. This is part of what football is all about. The sense of what might have been. Say Laveranues Coles and Eddie (Kennison) trade places. Maybe it’s different or maybe it’s not.

Gunther Cunningham, R.I.P. A coach unafraid to show emotion. Too complex, maybe, for a pop song.

Pretenders vs. Contenders 

It’s true that there was a time when I was retired. Some of this was the Josh McCown year. Which was not a reflection on Josh, who is a wonderful competitor. I never stopped caring about the Jets, but I did step back, in order to focus on what mattered, where it concerned family. Obviously, this creates a vacuum, and with that, someone else believed they could step in and do what I do. 

Officer Keith, presumably, was affiliated with Hasbrouck Heights PD. And though he is no longer in that line of work, (the allegations are not material to this bit of advice) the best superfans are often public servants, of some kind. Sadly, Keith isn’t one of “the best.” I can’t claim to know the man’s heart or motivations, but here is how I will put it: there’s a lot of people that know how to spell Jets. And you make your decisions, in this life, about who you’re going to let spell it out for you. Do they respect it? Do they spell it in a way that you respect? The choice you make is whether you want to let them spell it for you, or maybe it’s someone else. So that’s what I have to say about Keith.

The Zach Wilson Problem 

In the old days, a certified loser like Zach mighta had an “accident.” Today things are different. So we gotta be gentle with him. It’s a different climate, there’s things that—I’ll put it like this, there’s stuff you might say with the fellas, just concepts and possibilities, but maybe you don’t say it on the phone. But we want him gone. So if you see someone wearing green, cheering when Zach is sacked, hoping to see bone, do not be confused. That is still “being a Jets fan.” 

Changes 

If we get Carson Wentz—ask your future-brother-in-law about this guy—there’s a rumor he might ride all the way from North Dakota on a donkey. With a bunch of air-curing steaks attached to it. My guys can’t verify this, and it might have simply been a vision after the old frosting-knee thing. However, if you are in a chopper and see a guy on I-80 riding a donkey, that is our next QB. Guaranted. The game will be better if you can give him a ride. Not sure what will happen with the donkey. Maybe a nearby farm, or a CVS will take it. Anyway, Carson isn’t a long-term solution. A long term solution involves policy authored by Vickie Paladino, on many matters. Enjoy the game! 

*satire