Bad Ideas, Vol. 3, No. 442

A one-night NFL Conference Tournament

The games tonight seem boring and it’s only Week 2. The NFL should do an in-season MNF tournament, featuring any random-ass division they want. Home field depends on team records at the time. Maybe it looks something like this: 

Baltimore at Pittsburgh

Cincinnati at Cleveland 

All four teams square off on some otherwise abysmal, depressing Monday night. Each game is only one half. The winners of game one play each other for the championship, THE SAME NIGHT. So if Baltimore and Cleveland both win the early “game” – Baltimore flies to Cleveland (leave all your gear on, the flight can’t be more than 40 minutes) to play for the title. 

Won’t the players get stiff waiting around? This seems really dumb, and something the NFLPA would not like.

Ask the dudes who played in the longest NFL game five years ago. They did not have to board an airplane, but they did endure seven hours of delays. You should have to wear your helmet on the plane, however. Easiest way not to lose it with all the travel. 

What about the losers? What’s in it for them? 

Let’s pretend that Pittsburgh wins. They fly to Cleveland. While our hypothetical losers, Baltimore and Cincinnati, play each other in Pittsburgh. In front of indifferent fans who have been consuming half price drinks—maybe there are PATRON PATIENCE KIOSKS with 64 oz margaritas —(and $1 hot dogs everywhere) while they wait for the Bengals to arrive. Speaking of Bengals. Maybe during that delay, there’s a small on-field circus that entertains fans. With animals. Like over 40 donkeys. Camels that previously had rabies but now “check out”  disease-wise. Rings of fire. Dour wizard/entertainers who take themselves way too seriously and wear a top hat and tails and look like Jimmy Cagney in Ragtime. 

This doesn’t have to be on MNF. It could be an end-of-season tournament on a Saturday or Sunday. When all the teams have already played each other twice and really hate each other. It could pay off for bad/mediocre teams, in the way that NCAA conference hoops tournaments sometimes do. If Pittsburgh has stunk all year, maybe they redeem themselves with an AFC NORTH TOURNAMENT CHAMPIONSHIP. How big of a putz would you have to be to wear a T-shirt around declaring that? “Remember the year we won the conference tournament, though?”

That flight from Pittsburgh to Cleveland? Short. You could have the games take place in two closer stadiums, like L.A. Or Met Life and Yankee Stadium. Who knows? I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the most inefficient way to do things, that no human being has ever asked for. I’d love it if you could fly from JFK→EWR. I think you can. I think the layover is in like Charlotte. But I dream of a day you take off from LaGuardia and land at JFK. You can fly from Milwaukee to Chicago which seems really dumb. Get ready for your big business trip to Chicago! You’ll be landing at O’Hare 14 minutes after you take off. Good luck. You can ride the Amtrak from Penn Station to Newark Penn Station. You should feel really refreshed after dropping $6 on interstate train travel.